More bollocks than a gelder's dustbin

18 February 2011

Chocolate fondants

Makes 2

Two ramekins
Baking tray
Saucepan (medium)
bowl to melt chocolate

60g unsalted butter
1 tbsp cocoa powder
60g dark chocolate
1 egg and 1 egg yolk
60g caster sugar
1 tbsp plain flour


1. Pre-heat the oven to 200C, and put a baking tray on the middle shelf. Butter the inside of 2 small ramekins or pudding moulds, and then put the cocoa in one and turn it to coat the inside, holding it over the second mould to catch any that escapes. Do the same with the other mould.

2. Put the butter and chocolate into a heatproof bowl set over, but not touching, a pan of simmering water and stir occasionally until melted. Allow to cool slightly.

3. Vigorously whisk together the egg, yolk, sugar and a pinch of salt until pale and fluffy. Gently fold in the melted chocolate and butter, and then the flour. Spoon into the prepared moulds, stopping just shy of the top – at this point the mixture can be refrigerated until needed, or even frozen, as the puddings will not wait around once cooked.

4. Put on to a hot baking tray and cook for 12 minutes (14 if from cold, 16 if frozen) until the tops are set and coming away from the sides of the moulds. Be very precise on the timings. Leave to rest for 30 seconds and then serve in the ramekins or turn out on to plates. Serve with clotted cream or ice cream.

30 January 2011

How to make marmalade jam

Ingredients:
1.5kg Seville oranges
2 lemons
3kg granulated sugar

Equipment:
Large, heavy aluminium pan with lid
Medium saucepan
Muslin/double gauze
Large sieve/colander
7/8 Jars
Small plates
Large roasting tray
Ladle
Knife
Chopping board

To sterilise the jars, wash them thoroughly in warm soapy water, rinse and dry them, then place in a medium oven for five minutes.


Lightly scrub the oranges and lemons and place them in the pan. Add 6 pints water and bring it all up to a gentle simmer with a lid on, for three hours. Check periodically if water is evaporating and keep topped up. Remove the preserving pan from the heat and allow everything to get cool enough to handle.

Lift the fruit out of the liquid and into a bowl. Cut the oranges in half and scoop out all the inside flesh and pips as well, straight into a medium sized saucepan. Do the same with the lemons but discard the peel.

Using a ladle, add 1 pint (570 ml) of the poaching liquid to the fruit pulp, then place the saucepan over a medium heat and simmer for 10 minutes.

Line a large sieve/colander with gauze, place it over a bowl, and strain the contents of the saucepan through the sieve. Leave it all like this while it cools and drips through.

While you are waiting for it to cool, cut the halves of peel into quarters then cut them into chunky strips. Add to the preserving pan.

When the pulp is cool, gather up the corners of the muslin and twist it into a ball, then, using your hands, squeeze all of the pectin-rich juices into the preserving pan. Squeeze like mad so that every last bit of stickiness is extracted and you're left only with the pithy membranes of the fruit, which you can now discard. When you have added the strained pectin, stir the liquid, orange peel and pectin together and just leave all of this overnight, loosely covered with a clean tea-cloth.

The following day, empty 3 kg granulated sugar into a large roasting tin then place it in a warm oven, gas mark 3, 325°F (170°C), and allow it to warm gently for 10 minutes. Then place the preserving pan and its contents over a gentle heat and as soon as it starts to warm through tip the warmed sugar into the pan.

Using a large wooden spoon, stir the marmalade, keeping the heat gentle, until all the sugar crystals have fully dissolved. What you must not do is let the marmalade boil until all the sugar is completely dissolved otherwise it will be difficult to set and the finished jam will be sugary. Keep checking as you stir.

Once dissolved, turn up the heat and let the marmalade bubble away gently – it can take 3-4 hours for it to darken and develop its lovely rich flavour. When the marmalade has been cooking for 2½ hours place some small flat plates in the fridge.

To test for a set, after 3 hours draw the pan from the heat and spoon a teaspoonful of marmalade on to a chilled plate. Allow it to cool for a minute back in the fridge, then push it with your little finger – if a crinkly skin forms, it has reached setting point. If not, continue cooking and do more testing at 15-minute intervals.

When it has set, leave the marmalade to cool for 30 minutes – to prevent the fruit rising to the top in the jar – before ladling through a funnel into the warm sterilised jars. Seal the jars while they are hot, then label the next day when cold. Store in a cool, dry place. Too much light is not good for storage, while a damp or steamy atmosphere can cause mould to develop on the surface of the marmalade.

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19 March 2008

Lol I is well bored

It is true.

Days off from work don't really seem to make you 'refreshed' or 'eager' (in a work sense, you pervert).

They just make you remember what it was like to be a student, only now you get paid buckets of money while you're having time off. Ah, to be a gazillionaire...

On an unrelated note, my Googlewhack experiment worked. Yay. Although its technically not a real word, but I don't care. I now have a unique Google search thing, so in your nerd faces.

If you like cynical, midly amusing video reviews then clicky linky. If you don't then don't. See if I care.

03 August 2007

A revelation

Hang on. Given that Facebook is banned from all company servers, doesn't that make this the place to be once again? From 9-5 anyway.


Man walks into a bar, and asks for an innuendo. So the barman gives him one.

02 August 2007

An experiment

I reckon no-one uses Blogspot anymore, what with this new fangled Spacebook (or whatever). And no-one ever read my blog before anyway, so I feel fairly confident that I'm writing this purely for my own benefit.

Anyway, here's the experiment. First person to say the word "truculent" to me wins a shiny pound coin.

That's it. Deadline is 26 August.

31 May 2007

Louise and Mark's wedding - the unofficial footage

Last weekend saw the communion of Marie's sister Lou, and a rather lucky gent called Mark (or Staff Sergeant Jarman to you, sunshine). Much fun was had by all, as hopefully the collection of photos and videos below show.

Your carriage awaits:


A moment of serenity in a morning of blue-arsed chaos:


The signing of the register:




Ahh, bless:


Three generations:


Bride, groom, best man and the comedy turn (see later):


"Sir" steals a kiss:


A lovely little collection of shots now, so I'll keep quiet for a bit. This is probably my fave though:


















And so to lunch:


On your marks, get set, EAT!


Victory is mine:


A rather fine baileys and chocolate masterpiece:


That's a big chopper, ahahaha. But I digress:


Hazel, aka Lou's aunty, aka "The Gannet", for those who saw the arrival (and demolition) of her slice of cake:


Awww no, he's going to cry again!


"And that's the key for the back door!" (Rest of joke available upon proof of age):


Andy: "Ave it!"
Robbo: "You jammy b******"


Help!


The end of Spoof:


Sgt Moneybags:


The first dance:


AS YOU WERE! (apologies for the angle of the picture)


Giggle giggle:


"You'se me best sister, you are. Hic."


Me and the wife:


Grainy footage from the second night, of Marie, Mark and Lou wondering where I was. In the kebab house, duh!


May they have many happy times ahead of them.

STOP PRESS: To add to the celebrations, Lou has just been told by her CO that she'll be made Sergeant imminently. Congratulations!

23 May 2007

Squeaky bum time

To use the vernacular of a man whose emotions are probably better described at the moment as 'sour grapes' time.

It's teh big match tonight. I have mixed emotions regarding our chances, though they may be summed up by the following bets, recently placed:
Pool to win 2-1 in normal time 33-1, £2
Pool to win in extra time 31-1, £2
First goal to be scored in 61st to 70th minute 32-1, £2
Kaka to score during the 90 minutes 33-10, £5

Whatever happens, at least we can say we were in with a chance, and hadn't pissed it up the wall three weeks ago.

Non-partisan posts to resume soon.

Should you be wanting a little sing-song.